Chores and Good Sex, Do They REALLY Go Together?
You come home and the bathroom has been cleaned, the dishes are done and the random socks are in the laundry. WOW! That is a great feeling. Getting chores done can feel like you have lifted the weight of the world off your shoulders.
It’s fair to say that women have known for quite some time that having a partner to help with the chores heightens appreciation for their partner. A study published in 2018 offered some insights into the link between chores and sex. The short version is this: doing more chores = having more sex in heterosexual cisgender couples (Carlson, Miller & Sassler, 2018). If you do more chores, specifically biological men doing the dishes, you get more sex. Well darn!
If you are struggling to understand this link, ask the person who is responsible for a larger portion of the chores in your home. How do they feel when you help out? Is there more affection? Is there more time for sex? You betcha!
This study is relevant for ADHD partnerships because ADHD brains often hate certain chores, particularly chores that interrupt hyperfocus. If chores are no fun, they will not be a priority for your brain. Unfortunately, not carrying your fair share of chores can reduce feelings of satisfaction within your relationship. In neurodivergent couples counselling, chore inequality is frequently a topic of discussion. In fact, parent/child relationship dynamics occurring in ADHD partnerships was discussed by Melissa Orlov in 2010! (Orlov, 2010)
What is an ADHDer to do if they want to increase their sexual satisfaction, sexual frequency or find more space for sex in their relationship? Start with making chores a priority! You can make chores a game, fold laundry with Coach Ryan, find a body doubling partner, give yourself a reward, etc. While addressing chores may not seem relevant to your sex life, it can be an important first step to getting your sex life back on track!
Oh, one other quick note, it’s best not to tell your partner “Hey, I did the dishes, so now I want sex”. That type of messaging typically will not work well. Do more chores, sit back and see how your partner responds. It’s likely that they will be less stressed and happier which is a good first step towards creating a more satisfying relationship!
Want to learn more?
Carlson, D.L., Miller, A.J. & Sassler, S. (2018). Stalled for Whom? Change in the Division of Particular Housework Tasks and Their Consequences for Middle- to Low-Income Couples. Socius, 4. https://doi.org/10.1177/2378023118765867.
Orlov, M. (2010). The ADHD Effect On Marriage: Understand and rebuild your relationship in six steps. Speciality Press/A.D.D. Warehouse, p. 225.
Piché, L. (2025) ADHD and Sex: A Workbook for Exploring Sexuality and Increasing Intimacy, Routledge Press.
Tuckman, A. (2019). ADHD After Dark: Better sex life, better relationship. Routledge. https://doi.org/10.4324/9780429274671
